There is this strange thing about me: some thoughts in my head would not leave me for years, I would hear them again and again in my head and there is no ending; one of these thoughts is ‘women surrounding me are goddesses’. I don’t really remember anymore how did I get to this conclusion, but I still have a massive text written in my notes on my iPhone about how these women brought value in my life. The fact is that every time this thought comes back to my mind the first person I think of is Alex.
It is hard to define what she is to me, and indeed, my definition will only be a limitation placed on her beauty, but I still feel the urge to try and describe what she means to me.
Alex came into my life at the very beginning of the best year I have experienced yet. She came in with a lot of knowledge, openness and freedom and at first, because I was not able to comprehend it, I judged it: I was really scared and at times angry of how she led her life and at the same time was showing me all of the possibilities that are there, it really annoyed me when she tried to move me from my throne of privilege and how she refused to agree with my closed-minded approaches.
Back then I was really uptight and really silly at times, but this was never in the way for Alex to accept me and actually love me, and for that I will be forever grateful. The truth is that I have to credit Alex for teaching me many many things, and there are a few most important ones that are rooted in me and define me as a person now.
Alex taught me how to discuss. Nobody else did it for me, not even me myself, she did it. She was very harsh and strict, but she taught me how to listen and respond, how to be respectful and how important it is to find what is right rather than who is right.
She taught me how to let go and I might not know it fully till this day still, but I always remember this line that she told me and that I still have written in one of my diaries: this one evening in autumn while we were smoking cigarettes in our terrace I was so sad about back-then-so-called love of my life, I remember how she said that it is important to know how ‘to love and not to care’. I remember this sentence lighting up my brains and heart, because, frankly, that what love is about – about loving and sending them light, but not caring or feeling bitter over their choices of being with somebody else, for example.
Alex taught me about my privilege, and even though I was 18 at that time, I had never even thought about it before.
Alex showed me so many aspects of feminism and was very supportive during the times when I thought that I am finally identify as one as well, she showed me why she stands for it, and I understand her, but not necessarily agree to it fully, however, I see it as a huge part of her persona and because of that I cannot be radically against it, I am learning to understand better, and these efforts of mine towards such a huge social movement are only because of her.
Alex taught me alot about human sexuality and how it can be simply beautiful and pleasurable, she taught me how there is actually no shame or negativity when it comes to consensual sexual experiences or amounts of sexual partners, or their genders. She taught me about the human body and its beauty in the way where she was so free and light in her own or in the way of how she saw mine.
No matter all these, the most important thing Alex taught me was freedom. I think she brought me back to me, or reminded me of myself, because now people tell me how I am the freest person they’ve seen, or that I even am too free. Alex showed me how it is okay to do what is needed for you, how you are not responsible for other people’s feelings and how there should be no social restrains that would stop you from doing what you want to do. She taught me how to be soft and empathic as well, because she forgave me many times and still loved me the same, she never demoted somebody’s importance and with her own way of living she shows how everybody is equally important and deserving.
I love Alex with all of my heart, she is everything I could ever ask in a mentor and a friend. I also think of her when I read this quote by Jen Richards: ‘I rarely meet men in real life as extraordinary as ones on film, and rarely see women on film as extraordinary as ones I know in real life.’
Alex is a goddess, the strongest diamond and the softest feather at the same time, she is a well-read, greatly educated young woman that I aspire to be one day, she is somebody who contains secret and surprise, but at the same time feels like safety and home. She is a woman of a beauty of the sea and the beauty of the woods. I love her thousands of times and I hope to see and have her by my side in every possible world or dimension or galaxy that there ever was or will be.
And also, I don’t know if every person in life get their own personal Shakira, but I definitely did.
I lately think of the value that my life itself has or does not have. I also think about people who managed to touch me beyond my body, how they came close to me and I will not be able to erase that ever. Series of these posts are the appreciation for my friends and family, or friends who became family - the ones who have lifted me spiritually, mentally, emotionally or otherwise. It's about contemplating the value of life and how grateful we all should be that universe allowed us to get to know each other. It is a way of saying Thank You - thank you that you exist, that you allow me to exist in one or the other part of your life, thank you for your smile and conversation, thank you for teaching me how to be a better person. This is the way of saying I Love You.