It is easy to ignore small things. They are just that - small, and I always encourage myself to see ‘the bigger picture’. This is logical and I will always support this viewpoint, however, some of these small things turn out to be more than just things after all.
2019 was a really strange year for me, because it welcomed too many small things into my life and all of these small things added up and became uncontrollable mess and I became that mess too.
I simply allowed myself to exist in this overwhelming environment, which was flooded with unstoppable thoughts about my health, my family, my friends, my relationships, my education, my impact on the planet, habits and the way I see myself in comparison of what I want to be.
I didn’t like the way I treated myself (or others) in 2019, how I just simply allowed these feelings and thoughts overwhelm me, how my diagnosis victimized me, how I was not able to stand for myself in certain situations and how because of the social pressure, I made huge mistakes (which, in fact, I will regret until the day I die), I hate how I stopped reading and how I couldn’t make myself paint, how I still wrote these beautiful things, but dedicated them to the completely wrong people, how neglecting I was towards my mother and my friends in all of these ways where they should be cherished rather than forgotten (it is so true that we always take best and most loving people for granted), I really am sad because of how the love that I have in my heart has nowhere to go anymore because of how certain relations turned out to be at the end of the day, and how these friendships that I put so much effort into just shattered and disappeared, but the most sad I am over how I treated myself and my precious body, how neglecting I was towards myself, how instead of surrounding myself with the love that is aimed at me by my best people I’ve chosen to give all of the attention to something meaningless, how I conformed and lost my truth, how tolerant I was towards certain behaviours and mistreatments.
It was bad, 2019 was really bad.
But at the same time it was really good as well: I’ve learned so many things about myself and others, I have realised that all of us deserved second chance, but never the third, I’ve learned that people, initially, do not change and if they do, it requires very deep determination and discipline, I have learned that I am the way I am, and all of the flaws that I have, I can live with and if I cannot, I am the only one who has the power to change them. I realised that my heart and my mind are the most precious things about me and I must not allow access to it as easily, I must save it and give it as much autonomy as I do with my body.
But after all, the most important things that I’ve learned are the ones about how appreciative I must be: I am so much loved and adored and my friends, they are the biggest gifts one could ask for. I am in a place of love and protection with all of the energy this universe is aiming at me, I just need to learn how to pray properly. I am also in the place of health: to this day I cannot believe how incredibly strong and brave my body is, I will be forever grateful for that. I am also in the place of extreme privilege where I am allowed to enjoy all of the things majority of people cannot enjoy, including shower or bath, clean drinkable water, soft and welcoming bed, foods, etc. I must also appreciate all of the opportunities in regards of my education and knowledge: how blessed I am to be able to learn and understand, to have healthy brains and this unbelievable memory.
I wish everybody to embrace 2020 as the year where we are respectful and kind to animals, peaceful towards all living creatures, successful with political decisions, demanding when it comes to social justice, less selfish and more loving, happy and healthy, always aiming for something better when it comes to this planet, the only home we have.